At the end of the PBR rainbow

"On Feb. 14th between 1:30 and 2am while at a gathering, a 20-year old man had $150 stolen from his pants. The man was not wearing his pants when the theft occurred."

A gathering, eh? An early morning family picnic sans pants? Let’s call it like it is: a bar time booty call involving multiple pants-less parties. Although props to him for not getting his $150 stolen at a gathering while his pants were on…that might be even weirder.

"On March 7th at 8am a woman found a half case of beer on her front lawn."

This report begs the most obvious question: Why would you call the police after finding a half case of beer on your lawn? You’ve just found liquid gold at the end of the PBR rainbow. In these economic times, you’ve just found a free night of boozing wrapped up nicely and delivered to your doorstep. Is it possible for states to disown residents? This person deserves a residency revocation from that glove-shaped state where any reason is a good reason to drink.

“It’s Tuesday? Great....pour me another.”

The second question raised is how do you lose a half case of beer? I find it hard to believe it just slipped out of your hand, you looked at it laying on the dewy lawn and decided it wasn’t worth bending over, potentially losing your balance and taking a digger to pick it up. A more believable scenario would be that you duct taped it to the roof of your Firebird to ensure properly chilled beverages while making a run to an after-bar and in the midst of a Glee-inspired mash-up of Cherry Pie and Pour Some Sugar On Me, you made a sudden left-turn and your duct tape failed you.

It’s the only logical explanation for leaving your beer behind.

"Dispatch requested an officer contact a man who had been receiving harassing phone calls from another man who he allegedly caught in an intimate situation with his ex-wife. The reporting party told the officer that the caller keeps contacting him at his work. The officer visited the man who had been calling and he told the officer he was just trying to reach another person, but couldn’t tell the officer what the person’s last name was. The man then reportedly told the officer he would not call anymore. After the officer left, dispatch advised they just received a call from the reporting party who said the man had called him again and asked why he called the cops. The officer issued the caller for a summons for harassment. The caller reportedly asked for the officer’s name and badge number and allegedly said that someone was going to lose their job."

The couth and class of this reporter is obvious from the opening sentence, unfortunately it doesn’t extend to the harassing party. I would like to introduce him to the concept of Facebook harassing. Create a fake profile, friend your target and then commence harassment – same vengeful feeling and satisfaction of an unstable mental health issue and less obvious…for awhile.

So, someone’s gonna lose their job? I’ll give you one guess and even his drama llama has a restraining order.