Our first scoop...beat that Geraldo!

Dutch Harbor, AK

"Caller reported a large hairy male was screaming and grabbing at a woman in an effort to get her to accompany him from the hotel. Officers responded and found a drunken couple in a dispute about whether or not the woman was allowed to buy a potted plant."

This one is for all of you cynical, non-believers. Bigfoot does exist! He has camouflaged himself as a cheap, overbearing husband with an aversion to petunias. Our first scoop – beat that Geraldo!



Beaver Dam, WI

"A man reported on Friday at 8:20am that his vehicle was struck with eggs and cheese slices were thrown at his home on Elm Street."

A simple roll of Charmin isn’t enough in America’s Dairyland. “We Kraft Singled that bitch!”



Portsmouth, NH

"8:58 a.m. An officer took photos of people in line for the release of a new beer at a downtown pub."

Just because I dressed up as my favorite beer cozy and camped out in my Miller Lite tent for 12 hours for the midnight release of a beer, doesn't give you the right to profile, officer.



Chattanooga, TN

"A man reported the theft of his father's car - an expensive silver BMWZ3 roadster - from downtown.

He said he had parked it at the 800 block of Cherry Street and it was no longer there.

Officers soon spotted it at the 400 block of Walnut Street.

The man said he "must have had a bit more to drink" than he thought he had and he said he "was a moron for not checking and for freaking out and calling police."

An officer said he agreed he was a moron and advised him to "have a dd (designated driver) next time rather than losing a $50,000 piece of equipment."

20 years later and stealing his dad’s car to cruise around Chicago just isn’t enough to console Cameron’s daddy issues anymore. Bueller? Bueller?

Chadron, NE

"10:55 a.m. - RP advised she was walking her dog near the Burkheiser Building when two big black dogs came up behind her and scared her."

Um…..boo?

It's not what you're thinking.

Chattanooga, TN

“…. at Club Millennium, a woman said she was hit in the face with a beer bottle. It left her with a cut below her right eye. The suspect is "Bubba."

Of course it is.




Portsmouth, NH

“10:13 a.m. — Took a report about a cryptic message sent to a Middle Street caller that allegedly stated "desperate times cause for desperate measures."

I’ve been wondering what Dubya’s been doing since he left office.



Chattanooga, TN

“Police said the principal at Woodmore Elementary stated that one student was "out of control."

The mother was told, the way to handle it was either a paddling or suspension, according to the report. The mother said she did not want to deal with suspension, but then the student refused to take the paddling.

The report says the grandmother then talked to the child and he agreed to accept the paddling.

The report says the principal gave him three licks.”

Wait…since when has getting a paddling become negotiable? Why wasn’t this precedent set 20 years ago?



Chadron, NE

"11:18 p.m. – RP advised there was a subject walking eastbound in the middle of Third Street near the 900 block of Highway 20. He advised the subject has long hair, is wearing a blue denim jacket and is “swaying.”

It’s not what you are thinking. This man has been in a constant state of “front row at the sickest Poison concert” since he left the actual concert in 1987. The swaying isn’t intoxication, just an accompaniment to the Bic lighter raised above his head.



Portsmouth, NH

“10:50 a.m. A resident told police she thought a chimney worker was ripping her off.”

Was this before or after he jumped into chalk drawings and had tea on the ceiling?

From the creators of....

Oak Harbor, WA

"At 1:09 p.m., a resident reported he wants a woman removed from his boat."

"At 5:09 p.m., a caller reported he saw a man hit a woman with an oar and then threw her into the water in the area of Torpedo Rd. and W. Pioneer Way."

Problem solved.



Chattanooga, TN

“Police interviewed a "very intoxicated" man on South Broad Street.

He said he had just run a gauntlet of terror on 33rd Street.

He said it included a pack of dogs that ran at him, a man who shined a spotlight on him and told him to "get out of here," and someone who threw bricks at him.

Officers scanned 33rd Street and could not find any mischief.”

From the creators of “Cops” and “American Gladiators" comes “Honky-Tonk Half-Mile”. Players spend happy hour at a local liquor-serving establishment and then have to fend their way through the mean streets of BFE. Winning contestants will be awarded 100,000 Marlboro coupons! Coming to Fox this fall.



Chattanooga, TN

“A man reported that someone broke into his vehicle.

Items missing include a stun gun and three Alabama collectible knives with bone handles and the words "Bear Bryant: End of an Era."

Thank god he had taken his Richard Petty commemorative plates out of the car that morning or this would have been a tragedy.



Oak Harbor, WA

“At 6:54 p.m., a NE Kettle Street resident reported the Kirby vacuum cleaner men were being pushy.”

An unintended, yet delightfully entertaining pun.



Chattanooga, TN

“A man said he was staying at the Residence Marriott Inn downtown and met a white female at the Market Street Tavern. He said she was wearing a T-shirt that said, "Blah. Blah. Blah."

He said he bought her a drink, and she mentioned she would like some coffee. He invited her to his motel room.

He said he fell asleep while they were lying on the bed watching TV. When he awoke, the woman was gone. So was his new Ipod still in the box, credit cards, cell phone, wrist watch, $150 cash and his wedding band.

Asked to identify her, he said she gave him the name Gwen. He said he had guessed she was 50, but that upset her because she said she was only 46. He said she told him she was staying with her mother and other family at the Best Western.

But he said for all he knew she might just be one of the homeless women he saw on the street.”

A man with no game or shame. “Eh, she could’ve been one of those flesh-eating zombies from 28 Days Later, but bitch took my wedding ring!”

At the end of the PBR rainbow

"On Feb. 14th between 1:30 and 2am while at a gathering, a 20-year old man had $150 stolen from his pants. The man was not wearing his pants when the theft occurred."

A gathering, eh? An early morning family picnic sans pants? Let’s call it like it is: a bar time booty call involving multiple pants-less parties. Although props to him for not getting his $150 stolen at a gathering while his pants were on…that might be even weirder.

"On March 7th at 8am a woman found a half case of beer on her front lawn."

This report begs the most obvious question: Why would you call the police after finding a half case of beer on your lawn? You’ve just found liquid gold at the end of the PBR rainbow. In these economic times, you’ve just found a free night of boozing wrapped up nicely and delivered to your doorstep. Is it possible for states to disown residents? This person deserves a residency revocation from that glove-shaped state where any reason is a good reason to drink.

“It’s Tuesday? Great....pour me another.”

The second question raised is how do you lose a half case of beer? I find it hard to believe it just slipped out of your hand, you looked at it laying on the dewy lawn and decided it wasn’t worth bending over, potentially losing your balance and taking a digger to pick it up. A more believable scenario would be that you duct taped it to the roof of your Firebird to ensure properly chilled beverages while making a run to an after-bar and in the midst of a Glee-inspired mash-up of Cherry Pie and Pour Some Sugar On Me, you made a sudden left-turn and your duct tape failed you.

It’s the only logical explanation for leaving your beer behind.

"Dispatch requested an officer contact a man who had been receiving harassing phone calls from another man who he allegedly caught in an intimate situation with his ex-wife. The reporting party told the officer that the caller keeps contacting him at his work. The officer visited the man who had been calling and he told the officer he was just trying to reach another person, but couldn’t tell the officer what the person’s last name was. The man then reportedly told the officer he would not call anymore. After the officer left, dispatch advised they just received a call from the reporting party who said the man had called him again and asked why he called the cops. The officer issued the caller for a summons for harassment. The caller reportedly asked for the officer’s name and badge number and allegedly said that someone was going to lose their job."

The couth and class of this reporter is obvious from the opening sentence, unfortunately it doesn’t extend to the harassing party. I would like to introduce him to the concept of Facebook harassing. Create a fake profile, friend your target and then commence harassment – same vengeful feeling and satisfaction of an unstable mental health issue and less obvious…for awhile.

So, someone’s gonna lose their job? I’ll give you one guess and even his drama llama has a restraining order.